2013 is here and with it, a renewed sense of purpose and goals for the New Year. We all make resolutions and some of us manage to keep them, but are we self-actualized enough to know what areas of our lives really need work? Are we scraping at the surface when we need to be probing deeper to fix what’s wrong with our lives? Most likely – and the same can be said of the famous and fabulous. They may tweet their New Year’s goals, but they’re no doubt missing the mark on what they really need to change this year. With that in mind, here are some New Year’s resolutions for the stars they should really take to heart! Written from the stars’ perspectives, here’s what I would like to see them aspire to in 2013:
Madonna – In 2013, I will wear clothes that properly cover my stringy, muscled, veiny appendages, refrain from grinding my near-geriatric naughty bits on men less than half my age and stop mortifying my children with my sideshow stripper antics. I will also gain 10 pounds, quit wearing my teenage daughter’s clothes and start dating a man who is within two decades of my own age.
Lindsay Lohan – In 2013, I plan to voluntarily accept a minimum three month jail sentence, serve my time with dignity and follow that up with a three month stint in rehab. I will beg Robert Downey Jr to be my sober coach since he’s walked this path before, cut both my parents out of my life, take small but meaningful roles in independent films, stay clean and settle down with a nice girl.
Rihanna – In 2013, I will go on a drastic plan to cut 160 pounds of dead weight (i.e. Chris Brown) out of my life. I will take self defense courses so I can kick ass the next time a man raises his hand to me. I will also take a college level English course to expand my vocabulary beyond expletives and strive to be more like my mentor Jay Z‘s classy wife Beyonce.
Justin Bieber – In 2013, I will wear my hats like a normal person, quit lifting my shirt (Usher style) to show not just my abs but how needy I am for approval. I will leave Selena Gomez alone because I know she deserves better. I will generally quit being a tool, quit handing beloved pets to random fans and not faking thefts of laptops and implying sex tape scandals.
Prince Harry – In 2013, I plan to complete my tour of duty with the RAF and accept the job Chippendales offered. I will go on a “check out my Royal junk” tour and thrill the ladies of the world. I will make this sacrifice to draw the limelight away from my dear pregnant sister-in-law Princess Kate and because I like being nekked in public!
Kim Kardashian – In 2013, I will give birth to my rapper-lover’s baby but demand exorbitant child support from my husband Kris Humphries since he doesn’t want to give me a divorce. This will ensure that my child is not born out of wedlock and that I can afford more Prada baby booties! I will give in to my mom’s demand to launch an in utero reality show – Keeping Up With My Kontractions!
Ashton Kutcher – In 2013, I will get a hasty divorce from my diet Red Bull swilling crypt keeper wife Demi Moore. I will marry Mila Kunis and impregnate her immediately. Once I have her convinced I’m all in, I will tell her she’s been Punk’d, unveil the camera crew and go scuttling back to my aged ex-wife who I’m permanently bonded to through a bizarre Kabbalah ritual.
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