Game of Thrones Season 4 episode 2, “The Lion and the Rose,” opened with a girl is running through the woods. She is being chased by some dogs as wells as Reek, Ramsay and Myranda. They explain to the girl that is he makes it out of the woods she can live. Of course that isn’t going to happen because in what I assume is Game of Thrones idea of tag the girl is hit by dozens of arrows. Before Myranda can go all off with her head Ramsay informs her that it would be far more entertaining if they leave the girl to the dogs. They watch as the dogs tear hear to pieces rather giddily might I add, only Reek seems to realize how sadistic it truly is. He literally is shaking and looks if he is about to throw up.
Over a meal Tyrion is having with Jamie, Jaime is depressed he no longer has a real hand. Tyrion ask Podrick who is serving them if he agrees that Jaime’s old hand is nicer than the new one. Tyrion notices that Jaime isn’t eating and then ponders why no one is eating. Tyrion says his wife waste away and his brother starves himself. Jaime says he isn’t hungry. Tyrion points out that Jaime lost a hand not a stomach. Tyrion tells him to try the boar and that Cersi can’t get enough of it since Roberts demise. Jaime passes. Tyrion makes a toast to the proud Lannister children the dwarf (Tyrion), the cripple (Jaime) and the mother of madness (Cersi). Jaime try’s to pick up his cup with his left hand and ends up spilling it all over the table. Podrick goes to clean it and Jaime tells him he will do it. Tyrion tries to make light of it by spilling his cup and telling Jaime it’s only wine. Tyrion gets up with the pitcher and pours more wine into Jaime’s glass. Jaime tells Tyrion he can no longer fight. Tryrion ask him if he can use his left hand. Jaime tells him he can hold a sword but all his instincts are wrong, Jaime ask how he can protect the King when he can’t even wipe his own ass. Tyrion tells Jaime to let the others do the fighting. Jaime is not having any of that nonsense. Tyrion tells him to train then and learn to fight with his other hand. Jaime inquires as to who he would train with. Tyrion tells him he needs a proper discrete swordsman and as it should happen he has just the one.
Bronn is the swordsman. Jaime tells him his brother told him that he could keep his mouth shut. Bronn offers this little gem in reply “He told me you could shit gold just like your father.” Jaime throws him a pouch of gold and ask if the place is safe. Bronn tells him a amusing little story about how he bangs a knights wife up there and she is a screamer, if they don’t hear her they won’t hear them. Jaime whips out his new sword. Bronn tells him if he fights with a sword then he will have to as well and that is a problem. Bronn pulls out some sparring swords (swords with no pointy end) and they get to it. Bronn is giving Jaime a run for his money. Jaime reminds Bronn he still has his right hand. Bronn ask if he plans on growing it back. Jaime who know has a fire lit under his ass goes back to sparring with Bronn.
Over at Dreadfort, I love how the name fits the place, Roose Bolton has returned with his new wife, his new chubby rather homely and possibly terrified looking wife. He introduces Ramsay as his bastard son. Ramsay gives his “mother” a smile and a kiss on the cheek. Roose’s wife returns the smile and says hello. Roose orders some of his servants to make sure the horses or fed and watered and took take his new wife to her chambers. When his new wife is out of earshot Roose ask his son where his prize is. Ramsay tells him with the hounds. Roose wants to have a look at him. Locke walks up to Ramsay and as they head in they discuss his disbanding of Jaime. Locke tells Ramsay he would have loved it. Roose is not pleased when he sees that Ramsay has flayed Theon/Reek. Ramsay ever the sadist points out they have been flaying their enemies forever, why there is even a flayed man on their banners. Roose is quick to point out they are his banners not Ramsay’s who is a Snow not a Bolton. Roose tells Ramsay that Theon was a valuable hostage not his play thing, he wanted to trade him for Moat Cailin. Roose tells Ramsay that he needed Theon and he needed him whole. Ramsay says that Theon was their enemy but Reek will never betray them. Roose tells him he placed far to much trust in him. Next time maybe he will dumb down his directions for the twisted Snow boy. To prove he isn’t the screw up Roose and we all know him to be Roose has someone hand Reek a blade to give him a shave. During his shave Ramsay ask Reek to tell his father where Bran and Rickon are. Reek says he doesn’t know. Roose reminds him that he murdered them. Reek admits it was not Bran and Rickon he set ablaze but two farm boys. Ramsay brings up the fact that Rob Stark is dead and Reek pauses with the blade at his throat for a moment. Reek however doesn’t end Ramsay’s much to my disappointment. Roose ask Locke if he is ready for a hunt. Locke tells him always, he ask if Reek might have a idea of where they are. Reek thinks they might be with Jon Snow. Roose decides that Ramsay can take his creature and go and reclaim the Moat for their family.
Varys meets with Tyrion and informs him that Cersi knows about his relationship with Shae and plans on telling his father. Tyrion tells Varys that when he is asked he will come up with some clever lie. Varys tells him he will not that if Tyrion’s father and sister found out he lied he would not be long for this world. Varys tells him he has friends across the sea that could help her. Tyrion says she won’t leave because she no longer believes it is a dangerous place. Varys tells him his father said he would hang the next horror he found Tyrion with and when has his father ever made a idle threat. Varys leaves. Tyrion looks heartbroken.
Tyrion is siting next to Joffrey while he is presented with his wedding gifts. His briefs father gives him a huge bedazzled golden cup. Cersi points out Shae to their father. He wants Shae brought to him before the wedding. Tyrion hears them. Podrick brings out Tyrion’s gift next and he gets up to present it to him. It’s a book. Joffrey being the snot nosed brat that he is can barely muster a thank you for his uncle. He says something about the war being won and how now is the time for wisdom. Tyrion bows and walks away. Next gift is the twin sword to Jaime’s. Thier father presents it to him, Joffrey chooses to chop Tyrion’s gift up with it, how I loathe him. Joffrey decides to name the sword the “widows wail” , which I hope is a clue to Margery’s soon to be action. Joffrey being insensitive as ever says everytime he uses it it will be like cutting off Ned Stark’s head all over again because it’s not like Sansa isn’t sitting right there next Tyrion or anything.
Tyrion is gazing out the window when Shae comes in. She heads towards him but he stops her. Shae ask if he wants to have her on the desk. Tyrion using all the strength he can muster walks away from her. Shae wants to know what’s wrong. She calls him her lion. Tyrion tells her not to call him that. Shae wants to know what she should call him then. Tyrion tells her their “friendship” can’t continue and that their is a ship in the Barbour bound for Pintos. Shae says what. Tyrion continues he tells her she will have her own cabin and across the narrow sea her own house with servants. Tyrion tells her he is a married man and his wife has suffered a great deal and he doesn’t want her to suffer anymore and that he needs to uphold his vows. Shae points out that he nor his wife want each other. Tyrion tells her he has to do right by her and their yet to be born children. Shae knows he is just blowing smoke and is afraid of what will happen with his father and Cersi. Shae wants to stand by her man. Tyrion knows it’s time to be a dick and whips out the she is a whore not fit to bear his children. He can’t be in love with a whore he can’t have children with a whore. You is he trying to convince her or himself. Tyrion ask her if she has been with five hundred or five thousand men. Tyrion almost breaks. Shae ask him how many whores he has been with. Tyrion tells her he enjoyed his time with them and enjoyed his time with her most of all but now that time is over. Shae breaks down. Tyrion opens the door and Bronn walks in. Tyrion tells Shae she will have a comfortable life in Pintos. Bronn follows her to make sure she gets on the ship. Tyrion who is beyond devastated flings a cup across the room.
Stannis and Melisandre are spending quality time together by killing people. How sweet it is for these two to be able to burn someone alive and not care. Did I mention one of the poor victims is Stannis’s brother by law Lord Florent? Stannis’s wife is also present which really makes this a family affair and she tells Davos that she thier souls go into the fire. Davos tells Stannis who pish poshes it. Davos is still upset.
Stannis is siting at the table whining about the meat or lack there of. Stannis tells his wife he would it fish even though he doesn’t like it. She then tells Melisandre a tale about when he cooked her a seagull. Talk turns to their daughter and his wife says she is afraid for her soul. Stannis remarks that she is just a child. His wife calls her a beast. His wife tells,him she is stubborn and sinful and needs the rod. Stannis makes it clear she is his daughter and his wife will not touch her. His wife suggest Melisandre speak with her.
There is a knock at the door of a girl in bed. She wakes up and says come in. It’s Melisandre and the girl is Stannis’s daughter. Melisandre calls her princess and tells her she is full of questions. She ask her what she knows about the gods. Melisandre tells her there only two gods, the god of light and the god of dark. The girl ask about hell. Melisandre informs her there is only one hell, the one they leave in now.
We are in the woods watching a deer get attacked. Then we see that it is just Bran who is now comfortably back in his body and out of his wolfs. Bran is displeased because he was eating the deer. Bran sees a wolf by a tree and has Hodor carry him to it. The tree has a face in it. Bran reaches out and touches and once again is out of his body. He sees flashes of places, people, and events. Bran sees Jon Stark. Bran learns that they must go North.
Joffrey and Margery’s wedding begins and unlike the one from last season no blood is shed which is surprising considering what a horrible kisser Joffrey is. I’m surprised he didn’t rip part of her face of in his attempt to kiss his new bride. Tyrion begrudgingly claps, Sansa points out they have a new Queen. Tryrion points out better it be Margery than Sansa. Truer words.
Lady Olenna and Tywin trade niceties and then discuss how much this nonsense is costing. Olenna suggest he learn to enjoy things and besides she is paying half. Olenna tells him the Ironbank will come calling for their money eventually since they love reminding people the owe them, almost as much as the Lannisters love reminding people with their deaths or so says Olenna. Hint Hint Wink Wink. Olenna tells him they need to go and celebrate young love.
It’s a regular circus at the wedding party Joffrey has fire breathers, guys on stilts, jugglers, singers, you name it it’s there.
Bronn is walking with Tyrion and assures him he made sure that Shae was on the ship when it left. Bronn then tells Tyrion to go drink till he feels like he did the right thing.
Joffrey looks bored.
Olenna walks up to Sansa and tells her she looks exquisite. Olenna plays with Sansa’s braids while telling her how sorry she was to hear about her brother and how killing a man at a wedding is horrid. Hmmmmmmm…… Olenna goes on to say only a monster would do that. Tyrion sits next to Sansa and Olenna acknowledges him. Olenna invites Sansa to the High Garden and then excuses herself to eat some of the food she paid for.
Joffrey and Margery looking ever the happy couple while listening to some guys sing. That is until Joffrey gets bored with it and angrily and disrespectfully throws gold at them to get them to go away. Jaime is doing that keeping the King safe thing. Margery tells Joffrey to make the announcement. Joffrey tells them he Queen would like to say a few words. Margery tells them that King Joffrey has decreed that the leftovers be given to the poorest in the city. Everyone claps and thinks gee what a swell guy. The only people not fooled are Varys, Tyrion and Cersi. Cersi however still plays the role.
Loras accidentally bumps into Jaime. They have a chuckle or two, but then Jaime gets serious and informs Loras that if he marries Cersi she will no doubt murder him in his sleep and if he were to somehow get her pregnant she would murder the baby as well. Loras who is not one to be backed into a corner reminds Jaime that he will never marry Cersi either.
Brienne walks up arms tries to be gracious. Joffrey acts like a prick. Margery is pleasant and polite. Cersi stops Brienne before she leaves and correctly guesses she is in love with Jaime. Brienne doesn’t deny it. Cersi then goes and has instructions sent to the kitchen that all the leftovers are to be taken to the kennels.
Joffrey sees that Margery is bored and so he jumps up and says anyone who can knock his fools hat off will be rewarded with gold. The fool runs off.
Prince Oberyn decides to get a dig in on Cersi and tells her that wearing the crown for so many years must have left her neck a bit crooked.
Joffrey tells everyone to be quiet and clear the floor. Joffrey tells them there has been to much amusement today and a royal wedding is no place for amusement. A royal wedding is history and the time has come for all of them to contemplate their history. A lions mouth opens and out come five little dwarves one each to represent Joffrey, Stannis, Renly, Balon, and of course Rob Stark. They basically are having a war over who the King should be. Tyrion is of course offended because he is a dwarf. Margery isn’t enjoying it. Loras gets up and leaves. Cersi on the other hand is all smiles. Sansa gets offended and extremely upset when the one playing her brother gets fake decapitated. I think this prove there isn’t a shred of moral decency or empathy anywhere in Joffrey he is just a arrogant, pretentious, whiny, bastard. Tyrion has Podrick come over and tells him to pay them all twenty gold when it’s over and he will have to find another way to thank the King. Joffrey goats Tyrion by asking him if he would like to challenge his reign and that he is sure they have a spare costume. Tyrion stands up and berates him and tells him he should get down there with his new sword and show everyone how he became King but that he should be careful because the little dwarf Joffrey is clearly mad with lust and it would be a shame if he were to loose his virtue hours before his wedding night. Joffrey then decides that the Kingly thing to do is to walk over to Tyrion and pour his glass of wine all over his head. Before things can get to far out of hand Margery calls him back over for her fathers toast. Joffrey decides that Tyrion can be is cup bearer and this is my guess as to why Tyrion gets stuck in jail he is going to be looking hella guilty in just a few. Tyrion tells him that his grace does him a great honor. Joffrey says it isn’t meant as a honor. Tyrion gets up to do as he was asked but Joffrey makes it almost impossible by kicking his goblet out of his way. Sansa picks it up and gives it Tyrion. He fills it. Joffrey tells him to kneel and Tyrion refuses. Joffrey gets extremely angry. Margery prevents a disaster by yelling out when the pie arrives. Joffrey goes over to it with his sword and cuts into it. Doves come flying out. Well minus the ones Joffrey killed. Someone brings Margery a plate with a piece of pie on it. Sansa tells,Tyrion she would like to leave. Joffrey takes a bite and the goes back to being a dick to Tyrion. Joffrey would like to no where he is going. Joffrey once again makes Tyrion bring him his wine. Olenna watches with interest. Joffrey is still downing the pie. Tyrion is about to say something to Joffrey but Joffrey interrupts and the starts coughing uncontrollably. Tyrion goes to him. Joffrey turns and it is evident he is having trouble breathing. Margery screams that he is choking. Joffrey falls to the ground vomiting and gasping for air. Jamie and Cersi run to help him. The fool tells Sansa if she wants to leave the time is now. Margery looks away. Cersi turns him over and he is white in the face. Then he starts bleeding from the nose and convulsing, he manages to point at Tyrion however with his dying gasp. Tyrion happens to be picking up the wine glass. Told ya that was gonna come back on him.
Joffrey is dead.
Cersi takes a minute, more like a second really to scare up some tears and cry out my son.
Cersi looks at Tyrion and accuses him of killing Joffrey and then tells them to take him.