True Blood Season Seven Premiere “Jesus Gonna Be Here” Review

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True Blood Season Seven Premiere “Jesus Gonna Be Here” Review

Here’s what happened on True Blood Season 7 Premiere “Jesus Gonna Be Here.”  The show pretty much picks off where it left off last season, with us wanting to see the terror and mayhem that was to come and man is it epic. There awe vampires, humans, and werewolves are kicking each others asses oh my. Tara’s mom is freaking out and having no doubt what she will later refer to as a “religious experience.” Sam is doing his damn best to keep people way from the disease carrying vampires that are pretty much feasting on any human they can get there hands on. After about five minutes it’s all over with and that is conveniently when Bill just happens to come by, his Sookie senses are clearly off this season. Speaking of Sookie she is just kind of walking around looking at what’s left of their get together and the people who couldn’t get away fast enough. Jason clearly having learned a new word and it’s definition proudly shares it and calls the attackers the Hep-V’s. Sookie notices Tara’s mom on the ground crying over what I can only call vampire goo, she heads over with Lafayette, Bill and Jason. Jason is talking but Sookie sure the hell isn’t listening but that’s nothing new. Turns out that puddle of goo is all that’s left of Tara, or as her mother puts it they killed my Tara.They killed my baby girl. To be honest the whole Tara thing isn’t really that big of deal, her number should have been up two seasons ago, besides she is a vital character on this show so they most definitely will find a way to keep her around no matter how ridiculous or impossible we will all find it to be. With that the opening credits roll on what starts the final season.

Andy’s phone is ringing. It’s Jason to deliver the bad news that not only is half the town dead but Holly and Arlene were snatched for a late night snack. Andy goes into full on ass kicking mode when he registers the Holly business, Andy calls his daughter down and explains the situation to her. Jessica happens to be outside the door and heard everything Andy had to say. Jessica tells him to go and promises she will keep her safe. Andy who can’t help but be a jackass when he isn’t being a dumbass informs Jessica that Tara is dead. Jessica is shocked into speechlessness. Andy tells his daughter not to invite Jessica in no matter what and he takes off. Andy’s daughter goes in and shuts the door. Poor Jessica is left on the front porch covering her mouth in disbelief while she cries.

Back over at the all you can eat buffet Sookie is is hearing everybody’s thoughts. Some girl can’t move her legs, Lafayette is not about to go through this shit and Tara’s mom wants Willa to stay away from her. Some guy who I no doubt should know or will by the end of the season walks by and Sookie hears him call her a vampire whore and discuss how she can’t keep her legs shut. He also states that things would be different if he was running the town. It’s pretty much everyone thinking that Sookie is to blame for all this. Andy comes running in yelling and breaks the thoughts up. Andy wants to know what this is about Holly and Arlene. Bill explains that he sent someone to look and Sam was looking as well. Bill is going on and on about every human needing a vampire to protect them. Meanwhile the guy from earlier sees Sam go from cute dog back into human. Willa offers Tara’s mom some of her blood at first she won’t take it but then in the end she does. Sam is having it out with Andy in the back. Andy is pretty much downing Sam and his brilliant mixer of a idea. Sam tells him to shut it that they got his baby girl. Sookie is both shocked and saddened by this development. Alcide who has been holding Sam back assures him they will figure out how to find them. Bill suggest they look for a nest. Andy tells Jason to take Violet and go check some abandoned building out. Andy says he is going to checkout the slaughter house. Bill offers to,go with and Andy she about pops a vein in his head in protest. Bill points out that it isn’t safe for him to go alone. Andy gives in. Alcide looks up and sees Sookie and his thoughts indicate that he also feels she is to blame in a way. Sookie grabs her purse and gets out as fast as she can.

Jessica calls James who is now being played by the scrumptious Nathan Parsons. You may know him as Jackson on The Originals or Godot on Bunheads if not than surely you know him as Ethan Lovette on General Hospital. Any how he is trying to break the news to Jessica about Tara but she of course already knows. Jackson wants to know where Jessica is. Jessica tells him she is standing outside Andy’s house protecting his daughter. Jackson ask her if she has had any dinner. Jessica tells him she isn’t hungry which all of us ladies know is bull. Jessica tells him she will see him later and they hang up.

The guy who I now know is Vince straight walks up to Sam and calls him out for being a dog. Sam grabs him and tells,him he understands he is a tad upset that Sam kicked his ass in the election but the people will think he is crazy if he runs around claiming Sam is a dog. Vince tells Sam he knows what he saw. Sam admits it is true he was in fact a dog. Sam gets Vince to agree to keep,his mouth shit on the condition that Sam explains it to him at another time in another place. Sam gets everyone’s attention and Bill informs them that they need every vampire to take their assigned human back home. Bill them wants the humans to let the vampires feed off of them provided they are t infected of course. Sam lets them know they are all going to meet at the church tomorrow. Bill sticks James with a very drunk and barely can walk Lafayette. NAT comes up to take Sam home. Alcide is roaming around clearly looking for Sookie.

Sookie is channeling little bunny foo foo and hopping through the forest. Alcide calls her and when she sees who it is instead of answering she f**king throws the phone into the middle of who knows where because she wouldn’t be Sookie otherwise. Not even the dead girl she trips over brings Sookie to her senses.

Meanwhile in Morocco Pam is looking at some guy across the way. Another guy comes up to her with a gun and ask her if she has ever seen the Deer Hunter which is a fantastic movie by the way. She apparently is going to play Russian Roulette with the guy she was looking at. When the guy with the gun ask her what her name is Pam gets right to the point and tells him to go f**k himself. Guy decides to just call her the lady. So her and the other guy both take turns pointing the gun at their chest. Pam gets a click. The guy tells Pam he has survived twenty seven times. He also gets a click. Pam’s turn. He ask her if her God loves her. Pam answers with a nope he f**king hates her. Click. He gets the gun again. They go back and forth about each other’s God when Pam delivers hands down the best line of the night “Your god and my god can go to a motel and have a circle jerk for all I care. I’ll be in hell, having a three-way with the devil.” Epic. Guy pulls the trigger and he finds out that he will not get to brag about surviving the game twenty eight times when he explodes. Pam kind of looks like she wishes she was the one that exploded. Pam walks up to the guy who was playing musical gun with them. Pam ask him where in the F**K her maker is. The guy gives her information on the guy she needs to see in order to find that out.

Andy’s daughter is sitting in a chair at home looking awfully worried. She starts looking out the window for Jessica. She finally gets up and ventures to the door in the hallway and opens it to talk with Jessica. Jessica catches a whiff of her honey smelling Faerie blood and almost loses control. Adylin reminds Jessica that she told her father she wouldn’t hurt her. Jessica assures her she meant it. Adylin tells Jessica she should hate her for the whole killing her sisters thing but she doesn’t. They talk back and forth about this and that and boys. Apparently Adylin has a crush on Holly’s son which would make for awkward if her and Andy got married. Their bonding is cut short when a vampire comes around and wants to know what Adylin is. Jessica zooms to the front of the lawn, pops her fangs and tells him that she is mine.

Sookie is sitting at the kitchen table getting drunk on a bottle of Jack when Alcide comes in huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf…..oh wait…. Alcide wants to know why she walked home alone. She is Sookie damn it that’s why. Sookie tells Alcide she read his thoughts. Busted. Alcide tells her it isn’t fair for her to push him away for something he thought. Sookie is well aware. Alcide tells her he loves her. Sookie points out he isn’t telling her anything she doesn’t already know because duh she can read his mind. Sookie brings up the fact that Tara is dead and she would like to be alone. Alcide heads upstairs. Sookie stays at the table with Jack.

Jason has tears in his eyes as he drives down the road. Jason tells Violet how he and Tara grew up together and how she used to come over to their place all the time. Violet brings Jason out of his heartbreak long enough to point out that someone is already where they were going. Jason pulls up along side the van. Turns out to be Vince and company who naturally is already starting a fear campaign. Jason however isn’t buying what he is selling. Violet tells Vince and the rest of the guys he is with to go hime and f**k their homely wives with their little dicks. She tells the girl if she doesn’t leave she will rip,her head off and use it as a candy dish. Violet and Pam are going to definitely hit it off. Jason reigns Violet in and tells everyone to go home. They leave. Jason wants to know what that was all about.

Lafayette and his drunk self finally makes it home with James. Lafayette remembers to invite James in. Lafayette gets his bong and explains to James that it is mandatory he gets his brain out of this plain of existence right the f**k now. They hit the bong together. James tells him he is sorry about Tara. Lafayette tells him all he feels is relief. Hit the bong some more. James tells him all his friends died during Vietnam. Inhale and exhale. James opens up about his best friend dying and how the father of said friend beat him within a inch of his life and left him to die. Then a vampire took pity on him and the rest is history. Lafayette lets James feed off of him.

Jason is driving down the street when he pulls over and gets out of the car. Violet ask him what he is doing. Jason goes off about how he is a man and a officer of the law. Jason is pretty much pissed that they don’t have sex she made him look like a bitch in front of Vince and how she feeds off of him every night and how it’s all bullshit. Jason just pretty much wants to bang her. Jason gets super aggressive which turns Violet on so they do it right there in the middle of nowhere on the side of the road on top of his police car.

Adylin inside her house looking scared. She can hear Jessica and the other vampire talking about her. He pretty much wants a taste and I’m pretty sure he is infected. Adylin opens the window and Jessica zooms over to it. Jessica wants Adylin to drink her blood so she always know when she needs her and be able to protect her. Adylin doesn’t wam to at first. Adylin starts drinking and the vampire comes closer and tells Jessica he wants to taste Adylin before he dies.

Tara’s mom is at home. The Reverend and Willa are with her. Tara’s mom starts going on about how Tara isn’t in heaven and needs their help and how she can’t see or speak. Willa and the Reverend chalk it up to the vampire blood making her hallucinate. They get her to lie down on the couch and she insist that she won’t leave Tara. She falls asleep. Willa explains to the Reverend she has nowhere to go. He takes her to the basement under the church and tells her she can stay there.

Pam finds who she is looking for a man named Najat. Pam hands him a large handful of cash. Najat who gets creepier by the second offers his daughter as food to Pam. Pam who obviously is hungry refuses his offer. All Pam wants is to know where Eric is. Najat hands her the information. Pam is sure there is a mistake. Najat tells her no mistake. Pam leaves with the information in hand.

Sookie heads upstairs to Alcide. Sookie who is completely naked under her robe for those of you wondering crawls into bed next to Alcide and tells him she is sorry. Alcide tells Sookie he loves her. They end up having sex.

Andy pulls up outside the slaughterhouse with Bill and when they go in they don’t find anything at first but they keep,searching and find a bunch of people who have been hung upside down and drained. Andy hurls. Vince and company show up waving guns and telling Andy how he deserves for Holly to be missing. Vince is going to kill Bill but Andy convinces him to let him be the one to do it. Andy instead has a standoff with one of Vince’s guys. It ends peacefully and Andy makes everyone leave.

Over at Fangtasia the infected vampire are killing more humans. Surprise surprise that’s also where Arlene and Holly are being kept. Sam’s pregnant wife is also being held there. They watch as one of the vampires kills a human.

Andy takes Bill home.

Jessica is still holding the vampire off. Adylin opens the window and tells Jessica to go home but she won’t leave her there with the vampire. Adylin invites Jessica in. The other vampire burns in the sun.

Sookie is at the town meeting at the church. Again she can hear everybody’s hateful thoughts. Sookie tells them that even though they all hate her. She loves them. She knows they blame her and she admits she did play a part. She tells them that no one knows vampires better than her, she totally has got them on that one, and that she just wants to help.

The End!

If you must know what will happen on True Blood season 7 episode 2 head over to our sister site Celeb Dirty Laundry who has already spoiled the episode and has a sneak preview.

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